Broken stuff

The most important, as of this exact moment, broken thing is my toe or maybe toes. 

I have a visual disorder that is untreatable by conventional means.  The treatments of choice are to find side-effects from medications created for other issues and use those side-effects to modify or limit or change the way this visual disorder manifests.  I think that it is called off-label use when meds are used in this way.  Yeah, I am pretty sure that is the term.

So, anyway, seven years of messing around with all of that, as well as external vision devices, left me with no alternative but to have surgery, of the experimental kind, and, huge surprise, surgery types that are used for other vision disorders, conditions and diseases.  When it became clear that I was going to have to give up driving, I finally decided to do that three years ago, I, and my doctors, decided on a particular surgical technique that had been successful for other issues and as an additional precaution, I wanted the surgery to be more invasive that is customary.  Fortunately, I have the best doctors in the Universe and they agreed, and without any hesitation.  I mean, that is how good they are, that they not only are expert in what they do, but that they truly and immediately understood what I needed from this surgery.

The possible negative consequences were a fairly short list, but included permanent facial paralysis (nerve involvement), temporary or permanent pain (also nerve), complete loss of vision in that eye (not a problem for me) and the usual suspect, death (certainly a problem for me).  I had the surgery, post haste, and whilst I did have temporary facial paralysis, and do have permanent facial pain and a sever diplopia that cannot be managed with prisms, I did not totally lose the vision in that eye and I did not die.  All decent results as far as I am concerned.  In effect, I traded one disability for another disability and I am happy because the new problems are ones with which I can successfully, although not always so happily, live for the rest of my life.  Even with the pain and diplopia, I am thrilled to have had such a good result.

So.  The diplopia is supposed to be fixed, that means that it is not supposed to jiggle around and change very much, but it does.  The oblique muscles of the eye will do what they please and most of the time that is not important.  Except when I am walking or moving things or reading or using the computer or doing other things that need changes in field of vision.

And, that is why I broke my toe(s).  I was walking in the house and the diplopia torqued up, or down as in this instance, I stumbled and drove the side of my right foot into the corner of the wall.

I felt my little toe bend at a right angle, horizontally, and then nothing.  No pain or discomfort or anything.  After about thirty seconds of this bliss, the pain hit and lasted for the rest of the day.  The whole area turned a lovely purple and ghastly reddish color.  Yesterday it did not hurt unless I stepped too quickly or bumped it, which I did twice.  Today is is darker in some places, lighter in other places and hurts like the dickens.  Even massive quantities of over-the-counter analgesics are not lessening it.

The other broken part of this story is that because my vision is so unreliable when walking or handling things or just moving around in the immediate environment, I stumble, stagger, trip, fall once in a while, lurch, drop things and stuff like that.  Someone who is not me is convinced that all of this happens because I constantly drink alcohol to excess.  Actually, I do not drink at all because the medications I take for diabetes and high blood pressure preclude the use of any alcohol, even on an occasional basis.  Either take the meds or drink.  I prefer the alcohol, frankly, but take the meds instead. 

You know, if you have sufficient life experience, that once someone gets something into his/her head, there is virtually nothing that you can do to dissuade them of those erroneous notions.  You are stuck with what they think about you, especially if they do not particularly like you in the first place.  And, you pay consequences for things, issues and aspects for which you hold no responsibility.  Kind of sucks.

In this, the toe case, it means that there is more broken than my toes.  Not that it has been terrific or great or even passable for some time, but when you are already hurting, the additional hurt is just not all that nice.  I did not expect any attention or sympathy, but, well...you know.  I am kind of disappointed in myself that I am disappointed.  It is just that the disconnect is so complete and there is not anything that I can do about it.  I am kind of breaking in all sorts of little ways lately, and I have to run even faster and harder to stay upbeat and productive and hopeful.  You know?

Anyway, I weary of this, especially the writing of it.  I need to grow up and grow a pair.