That is where this blog is going. When I began it, I needed a safe place to release the energy I had about so many things. This place has helped me to find that release, but I think that the process of writing it all out gave me a chance to, gosh, not focus exactly, but gave me the breathing space to see what was happening, is happening, from a loftier perspective. Anyway, writing here, well, I think it saved me more times than I can count. Even though I was the only person who was here most of the time, just getting it all out, spewing the pain and the fear, the confusion and shame, well, it helped. I think it did truly and well save me.
I know that I am absolutely not going to be able to affect, much less change, how some people behave. For decades I held onto that belief, pathetic as it was, that if I were a good enough person that sad and terrible things would simply would not be a regular part of my life. It is not that I ever expected a life without problems, but I always held on to wanting and needing to be in a relationship where I was not in danger, you know? I kind of like the person who held that kind of hope, that things would get better around here. That part of me almost always sees the positive side of things, whatever needs seeing. That part is my Pollyanna and I hope to always be a person who can see through the pain to the other side.
That said, I have to move on. I have to find a way to deal with everything in, I do not know, maybe a more mature manner. It time. I am old, but I lack many of the qualities of a grown-up person. I need to be someone who does not care about any of this as much as I now do. I need to stop feeling like a victim. It changed me. I do not like it.
I managed to stay away from here for a month, despite many incidents that would normally have brought me running here to vent and release those experiences and the energy they hold for me. It has been difficult, but I have managed. I took a break from the holidays, deciding to avoid any gatherings, just stay away from all of the drama they bring, even though some of the drama is of the good and fun kind. I was mostly successful at that, caving only for my daughter and her family and an evening pot-luck with a few friends.
The rest of the time, I stayed and am just staying home, hibernating. It has helped, even though there were many times when I had to explain and keep explaining why I was taking the break. .
Anyway, I did it, although I might have lost connection with some people. I guess that is one of the consequences of doing this.
So, this is my last complaining session, at least for now. I hope that it is forever, like in truly never coming back here to complain or worry or vent or anything.
It is all about holding the hope.
