Dreams woke me several times last night and were immediately followed by flashbacks of the thing that was avoided. For fuck's sake, people have these near death experiences all the damn time, so why am I having such a hard time releasing this, disconnecting from my attachment to this. Damn.
And, you know, it is not as though it was some life-changing event. No revelations. No gob-smacked changes in understanding. Nothing. Not a fucking improvement in the quality of how I view or manifest in my life or any other damn thing. There should be, right? Maybe that does not happen to everyone. Maybe it has not happened to me because I have already been trying to live the best way that I can. Maybe. I do not know.
After the third awakening/flashback at 3:34 this morning, I decided that enough is enough and I did a visualization and release. The visualizing went find and the release seemed to be doing the same. And, then I got stuck and could not release my connection to the event. I kept trying and it kept changing the attachments. And, I am lying there, thinking, holy crap, this is my visualization and I am in control of what happens here and why the hell am I unable to break the threads and dust that are holding me to this experience?
I finally gave up, totally and completely disgusted with myself, so far from the result I anticipated, and got up. I had a piece of yesterday's pizza and played mahjong until I felt sleepy enough to try sleeping again. I did sleep for three hours and had the same damn thing happen. I stayed in bed and slept another hour and a half and finally got up.
O.K., then, the event was serious, but it is long over, so why am I unable to release it? What is my attachment to this event?
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