Truth is that I am not sure what I thought this trip was going to be about. I wanted to see the Grand Canyon, and it is not as though I had the expectation of the final experience in the Kevin Kline and Danny Glover film, but still. I suspect, and this is still genuine speculation, that an unfortunate incident, one of a barely avoided accident on a mountain road, had something to do with it. Days later, I feel recovered, but nightly bad dreams and flashbacks are leading me to feel that I might still be a bit shocky about it. That said, I am not talking about it to anyone. I suspect that the whole not talking is probably not the best idea, but it is one that I can go with for a while.
So, when a friend called this afternoon to say 'welcome back' and ask about the trip, I told her that it was fine. She expected more, I am certain, but croaking out that 'fine' was nearly more than I could manage. So, I switched gears and shared stories about the wonderful people I met, and often met again another day. Four of them are from AU and are people with whom I will stay in contact.
Frankly, I would just as soon not talk about any of the trip parts because they lead directly back to how the experience was for me. It was, except for that few minutes, a very nice trip, but I seem to be stuck in those minutes. I know that time will help. It is my hope that that happens, the time passing and feeling less of the other stuff.
It does not help that I picked up a virus thing and that my head is clogged, my sinuses drip and burn, the old throat is red and sore, and I have a blazing headache. Only one day of work this week, thank goodness. I plan to sleep as much as possible. Even though I have tons of work to do, I really will be resting and sleeping as much as possible.
A three-hour delay in the train schedule meant that my ride home from the station was no longer available to me because she has to drive home in the dark from work and does not like driving in the dark at any other time. My ending station is unmanned and on a dead-end in an industrial park. Someone who is not me could not fetch me because he does not know exactly where the station is and it was too difficult to figure out the directions. I spent the last three hours of the trip trying to connect with someone and finally reached a friend by accident. He was at the gallery and picked up the telephone. He offered to be there to take me home and he was waiting when the train pulled in.
I cannot remember ever being so happy to see someone. Not ever.
So, I think that it is time for another handful of ibuprofen and a nice nap. I have been planning to see a play this week and to go to an agricultural festival in the northern part of the state on the weekend. I will not have to drive, so may still do those things if I can stay awake long enough to shower, dress and make it out to the car. I just do not want to ruin anything or the experience for the other people. Oh, what to do? I will think about it later.
There is not any real food in the house, exceptionally bad planning on my part, but it would have been nice, would be nice to live with someone who is not me and have that person speak to me or say hello or even offer to pick up something when he went to the grocery store a while ago. It is my own fault, though, because I never ask for anything and I know that nothing is ever offered.
So, anyway, I just ordered a pizza. Have not ever ordered from this place, but it is close and I ordered enough for a couple of days. But, I am sitting here, thinking, and I just realized that I do not have any easily accessible support system. I am the go-to person for a bunch of other people, but they are all older than me and more disabled than me and what the hell. I have two safe places in case something happens here, but I do not have a single person upon whom I can call for, oh, like an emergency ride home from the train station. Crap. If my gallery friend had not just been there when I called trying to find my other gallery friend, the one who owns the place, I do not know of anyone else to call. There is not any bus service or taxi cabs or anything way the hell out here.
The problem with being independent is that you do for others, but they are unable to return the favor. It is is not that they are unwilling, but that they are simply unable to do those sorts of things. I am not like bummed out or anything, but I really do not have any plans or thoughts about what I would do or on whom I could depend in an emergency. All I have is me. Not only does that suck, but it is really kind of stupid, too.
I have to make some new friends who might possibly be available on the off chance that I do have some emergency situation, although that seems like a very selfish reason for making friends.
Lordy.
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