Worthiness. Again.

I wish that I did not have to be the person who did whatever needed doing.

I wish that, just once in a while, that there was someone who would take care of things.  You know?  Someone who would be willing to relieve me of the burden of always doing stuff.  Like the tires.  Twelve days ago I replaced the tires on the vehicle that I am allowed to use.  They were many years old and two of them needed filling with air at least once a week.  I do not know anything about tires, but aside from the inconvenience of finding a place where there was an air hose/compressor thing and having enough change to pay for the time it took to fill up those tires, my guess is that having tires that leak all the time is not all that safe.  But, like I said, I do not know anything about how they work, so it really is a guess.

So, I have these four new tires and today when I was at my daughter's house, the babies and I were watching the little machines move and scoop the leaves in the gutters and dump them into the big machine, the little machines zipped (yeah, those things can really move) and the big, orange machine went to follow them, but stopped right in front of the house and I could see that he was saying something and that he was making truly weird hand gestures and I thought that he was complaining about how close my car was to where they had to maneuver the leaves over to the big pile, so I went to the porch so that he could scold me properly.

Turns out that he was trying to tell me that I had a flat tire.  So, I told my daughter that I was going to have to take care of that and that I would probably have to stop watching the babies whilst she and her husband were trying to get a room or two painted without the help of those two, little helpers.  She and I went out to look at the flat and she was ahead of me and noticed that one tire on the other side of the car was flat, too.

What the fuck?

Yes, two flat-ish tires. One sort of and the other really flat-ish.  So, I waited until they took a final break for the day, and as I had told them to go out, have dinner and some adult fun, whilst they were getting ready I drove to the gasoline station, filled the tires and filled the gas tank.  At least I would be able to make it home tonight.

And, I did.  I filled everything just fine.  I made it home and the tires look well enough so that I can try to get into the car fixer guy to try to find out what the hell is going on with the tires on this stupid car.  I mean, new tires should not be going flat, right?

And, it really is not about the tires.  When I was struggling with the hose and the wonky thing that you press against the tire nozzle, all that I could think about was how nice it would be if there were someone who would be willing to give me some help with, well, not the tires exactly, but a few of the things that just mess up your time and schedule, those little things that are driving me to sadness.  You know, at least once in a while, it would be really nice to not be the only person who takes care of things.

I am independent and sort of pride myself on being that.  Whatever needs doing, I can do it.  Car stuff, well, I know the guys to use for all of that, not being able to figure out most of it.  I can change the oil and a blown-out headlamp, the windshield wipers, refit a loose window gasket and some other small stuff.  So, I use the car guys to take care of the rest.  I can also do pretty much anything that the house needs.  I paint and repair windows, screens, downspouts, even do minor plumbing stuff.  No electricity though, and I did not replace the toilet recently because I simply could not lift either the old or new one.  I can design and build furniture, but not any more because of my crappy joints, although there is plenty of built-in bookcases and stuff like that to remind me that I could at one time do that stuff.

I do not mind doing any of that stuff, I enjoy it.  And, I am wondering what it is about today's tire thing that is making me so sad.  And, when I finally got home late tonight, I wanted to check on a few sites I run and as of this moment, I have been trying to connect to the Internet for more than an hour.  I know from the symptoms that it is the stupid modem and that I need to take the tower in and have the damn thing replaced.  Like right now, this instant, but it is very late and will have to be done tomorrow.  And, I am not certain how I am going to fit that in with a very long dental appointment and the fact that tomorrow is the only day of the week that I am allowed to do laundry here.  Yeah, I live here and I can use the machines only on Tuesdays.  Long and really kind of heartbreaking story, which is directly related to why I do everything for myself.

I know that I was feeling sorry for myself during the time that I struggled with filling the tires, in the rain, in the muck.  I get that that was a dumb thing to be sentimental and needy about, but it was just the most recent thing that no one except for me cares about.  You know, it would be different if I lived alone and could sort of revel in the whole doing for myself thing.  But, I do not.  I live with someone who everyone else thinks is great and that is because no one knows what goes on around here.  Not even my daughter.  Yeah, my fault and all that crap, but it is what it is.

I am going to give up and just go to bed.  Maybe I will get over being such a selfish brat by the time I get up in the morning.  God, I hope so.  You know, I thought that I was finished posting here, that I had moved on, to the point where I understood how pointless it is to allow all of this stuff to hold energy for me.  I know that I need to grab and pull up my big-girl-panties and be an actual big girl.  Why am I stuck here?  I will unlikely be able to get on-line tonight and will not post this.  If I am lucky.

I am such a disappointment to so many people.  I just keep failing all over the damn place.  I give up.