the mistakes or foolishness of some people that brings out the worst in us? It certainly can be interesting, or even amusing, when we read or hear about some dumb thing that someone did or failed to do, but then we judge them and extrapolate their behavior into a condemnation of their lifestyle.
Frankly, I find such stories to be helpful to me. They remind me of things and issues that may hold some significance or experience for me. They can alert me to the problems or dangers associated with some particular behavior or circumstance(s). You know, even when the situation is beyond my experience, like the story I read this evening about a very sad and preventable family dynamic, one that might have been prevented if someone, oh, even like some nosy neighbor or friend, I learned from that. I learn to be more observant, more invested in being a support to the people around me, even strangers, and more willing to take action and just dive in and help someone. Even when it is not convenient. Even when it is difficult or icky or messy or just plain disgusting, maybe even a little dangerous. I learn how to be more involved.
These cautionary tales, our modern version of parables, are good for us. They remind and teach us. They reinforce what we already know. But, I think that they give us the opportunity to put ourselves in the place, the mindset and circumstances of another person so that we can learn about ourselves and how we move through the world.
I guess that is why I find it so distressing when I read something and then the fear & hate & prejudice & holier-than-thou, oh-so-virtuous mongers swoop in and use it as an indictment of people and their choices, the decisions they make about their lives. If you do not think their way, share their beliefs about how to do something, do exactly what they do and be dogmatic about it, then you are one of those, the people who simply do not get whatever it is that they are promoting.
We are all different. We are all someplace on the path of our lives, doing the best we can. Yeah, we make mistakes, we mess up, we do things wrong or the hard way (as in not their way) or the wrong way (as in really, really not their way) and sometimes we fuck up so badly that there might be consequences from which there is no recovery. But, most of the time it is not that bad, but it is almost always bad enough to be on the receiving end of judgment, disdain, condemnation and complete lack of understanding, empathy or support of those FHPHV* mongers.
There is not only one way to life. There just is not. More than anything, I believe in a kind and loving Universe, one that is filled with people who are doing the best that they can with what they know, what they have and what they are simply able and capable of doing, in that particular moment in time and space.
We humans can be so many things. We can be foolish, neglectful, careless, ineffective, wasteful, greedy, coarse and just plain dumb, sometimes all on the same day. Oh, but we are capable of being so much more, kind, loving, supportive, empathetic, helpful, generous and totally and completely understanding of what it might be like to be someone else, particularly someone who just fucked up.
There is not any way of saying this without judgment, but those people who have had the experiences and opportunities to learn and do things in better and more productive and supportive ways, well, it just seems such a waste if in the process of all of that learning and knowing and practicing their cool stuff, that they were not able to hold on to the parts of themselves that could provide help to those who have not been so fortunate. Instead, there is the judgment, the lack of empathy and, as often happens, name-calling.
Just because I am human, just because I mess up and make mistakes and do not do everything exactly like everyone else, I am still someone who deserves to be treated sympathetically, and I do not mean common, base sympathy, but the real deal, the kind that helps me to be a better person whilst elevating the person who is helping me. I deserve that, but more importantly, it is my job, my mission or whatever the hell you want to call it to offer that to everyone, every single person who enters my sphere of influence.
I do not ever want anyone to wonder about me and how I lost my understanding or my compassion or my benevolence.
All of this came up again, not only because of yesterday and today, but because one of my friends read what I have been venting about the train trip and that whole mess with the agency and the service program and all that crap. She called and told me that I am experiencing these things because I am too nice of a person. Aside from being total crap, it simply is not true. I am not too nice of a person. I am exactly as nice as I should be, as nice as everyone should be.
Everyone should be nice. They should be kind and understanding. They should speak in a nice voice, even when disagreeing with someone else. There should not be, in ordinary, daily contact and interaction with other people, scolding or yelling, not any shouting or name-calling, no angry faces or snarling or snarkiness. There should not be any pushing or shoving, not even metaphorically.
I am not saying that everyone has to agree with everyone else, only that we owe it to ourselves to stop insisting that every damn thing be done according to our values, practices and beliefs. And, that is why helping the agency with this project, even though they tried to take advantage of me, is something that I can do, hell, it is essential that I do it. It is how I get to manifest what I am made of. I am willing to play nice with them.
As for the train people, even though one of the people with whom I spoke that afternoon called me a name, I felt under no obligation to raise my voice, fuss with her or become irritated, much less escalate my behavior to her level. O.K., I will grant that I did not particularly stand up for myself, and I have to do some serious work in that area, but I am satisfied that I behaved properly and I mostly got what was fair, so, all in all, it was not totally horrible and I get to feel satisfied that I was nice. Just nice. Sometimes, just being nice, especially when it is difficult, is enough.
I am not asking for the moon, the stars and the sky. I am not looking for some utopian dreamland, where all the animals come to eat snacks from my palm or where the unicorns poop rainbows, or even where everyone lives in sweet harmony once in a while. Even I get that that is not ever going to happen. I am not expecting that I will be in harmony with everyone around me. Heck, given that we are all humans, the expectation is that there will more than enough conflict to go around.
Still, understanding how other people live or do things or whatever, releasing the need to always have things your way, and just being nice enough is enough.
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