I stood up for myself with someone who is not me and it felt great, fucking scary, but great. Then I stood up for better treatment from someone else and it felt like a betrayal of the unspoken contract that is our friendship. Still feels bad.
All these years, decades really, of being as quiet and non-confrontational as possible was the way I survived to do those things that I have already mentioned until even I am sick of them. It has been only the past few weeks that I have seen that pattern in some of my other relationships. Quite a shock, because I have always believed that even though life here in the homestead has been one long crap buffet, I thought that my other relationships have been healthy. Or, at least healthier.
Sure, some of them are not so bad in the equality department, but some of them are just plain sad or weird or really sad. One of my friends has a disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum. Has had it all of her life and as a consequence, she has few friends. I am one of them and whilst I am glad that I have been able to stick with her for all this time, other of our mutual friends simply could not handle how her illness manifests. For the past several years she and her doctors have been struggling with the proper types and levels of her medications. It is rarely one medication and the cocktails they try are often so distressing that it is impossible for her to reach an effective dose before they have to give up. It does not help that she is convinced that health is only achieved by a trip to the health food store. So, she takes all kinds of stuff, herbs and supplements, in addition to her prescriptions and it is weeks and months between the times when she feels truly well.
One of the things that I do for and with her is to take her places when she is unable to drive and to be her passenger when she feels well enough to drive, but does not feel well enough to drive alone. When she is the driver, she is never able to complete her errands because she loses energy before she gets to all of the places she needs to go. That is fine, although it is distressing for her and I empathize with her wanting so dearly to be independent and do all those things for herself.
Tuesday was one of those trips where she wanted to drive and I and another of our friends went along for the ride. She managed two of her intended stops and then pooped out in the energy department and we headed home. Not a problem, since I and the other friend were along only because she wanted company. The trip was to a nearby city and halfway home she told us that she had been feeling spacey and out of it the entire time and that the new meds were affecting how she felt and how she was able to physically move around. And, I am thinking, what the fuck are you doing driving us around? Just because you want to feel independent? It was like another level of craziness on a day that already had more than its share because of her behavior in the two previous shops. I took a deep breath and made eye contact with our other friend who was clearly as alarmed to be hurtling along on the highway with someone who was having a significant perceptional issue.
So, I calmly said to her that when she is not feeling well, that it might be a good idea if she let one of us drive her to her shops. And, she never said another word and I have not had the usual daily telephone calls from her since then. It is because, even though I carefully phrased and modulated what I said, that her illness was not able to hear that, and that she is upset about the whole thing. I feel so badly about this, but I will not be a passenger with her anymore. I may have killed this friendship because I do not know how to keep my mouth shut. We made it home safely. Maybe that should be a sufficiently happy ending, but it is not.
I have two relatives that are experiencing difficult, really difficult times right now. In the past I would have anticipated and met every need that they have. That old me was the first to volunteer my time and resources to help anyone, but most especially family. For these two women, within the period of only three days, I did not do that. It just occurred to me whilst listening to one of them last week that I cannot do that anymore. I cannot come to the rescue and fix everything, not any more. I just cannot. I have taken myself out of their streams and am simply listening to what they have to share. I do not offer suggestions or assistance or help or money or any of the things that I normally would have done without the slightest request from them.
The line between helping someone and rescuing them is so thin and I have jumped in to do the rescue part too many times. Looking back on my relationship with the one with whom I spoke last week showed me that I have done the helping and rescuing thing a lot. It is not good for me and it is not good for her. Her situation is serious, dire even, but unless she asks me for specific help, and it is help that will not deplete my own and newly limited resources, I will not offer anything to her.
On Monday I was with the other relative and she was asking me for help. So far, so good. Unfortunately it is help that she knows is very difficult for me to provide and when I was slow to reply that I would help her, she became upset with me. She tried to hide it, but we all know the expression on the face of a person who is disappointed in us and is judging the crap out of us. I was shocked. I had not been aware that that was part of our relationship. It hurt so much to see all of that on her face and to hear it in her voice. I am too upset and too cowardly to call her now to say that I will not be providing the help for which she asked and to which I agreed. But, I am going to do that because it is in the best interest of both of us. Sooner is better than later. I just do not think that I have the heart to do it until next week. She is going to feel that I am failing her and in a way I am. I do not think that I have ever gone back on my word before, and that is where my failure lies.
I do not yell. I do not argue or contest anything with anyone. I never even raise my voice. There are times when I think tons of cross words in my head, but they never pass my lips. I never rescind a promise or even the teeniest commitment. I just do not. But, with these three women I am doing exactly that. I am breaking my word. I am breaking my unspoken, yet clearly understood promise to be a certain person, to behave a certain way with them.
I feel heartsick about all of this. I am doing this, changing the way I am in relationship with them, because it is the right thing to do. It is the right time, hell, it is past time to do this. I am solid with that part, but I am not thrilled with having to actually do it. If we truly are friends and loving relatives, my changing will not cause permanent harm. We will have the opportunity to talk about my reduced circumstances and my increased desire to be a stronger person. That is my hope. I am struggling with how painful and difficult this kind of change is for me. I swear, I am so tempted to backslide on this and return to the quiet and compliant and stupidly sacrificing person that I was. Then I think about how they and other people might view me and wonder if it has always been the fact that I would never, could never say 'no' to anyone that was the reason I was liked. I think that there is more sadness in my future if that turns out to be true, because I also think that this is only the beginning of learning to say 'no'.
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